New Year, New You? NOPE!

I haven't written in a while. I know.

Writing about how people's perceptions creeped me out was beginning to make me feel creepy about myself!

But, I'm over that... It's a new year and my bday just passed so here we go.

I'm another year older and folks have yet to change.

They still feel like they can say what comes to the edges of their lips without pause. Most times, they feel the things they say are complimentary. I think not. I'd rather for my appearance to not be a factor to even compliment (however back-handed they may become). "Wow, your hands are so smalllll. That's crazy!"

This issue of perception is so important to us. We use it to progress or hinder/help someone else's life progression based on it, most times without being consciously aware (like when once in a while someone will come up to me talking with their waists bent, as if I wouldn't be able to hear them).

Recently, a very close friend of mine got let go from her job which she held for almost five years. She went by year after year with no promotion and very little praise. When she would stand up for herself -- she had an attitude problem. This is not what ended her time there; a rumored respective from a parent is what did her in (subsequently, she is unable to gain any unemployment benefits since she "violated company protocol"). I have a very deep-seeded feeling that if she were of a different aesthetic makeup (not as svelte nor dark skinned), she would have faired (no pun intended) a tad bit better. She would have been taken more seriously, instead of being threatened with write-ups for her attitude when attempting so stand up for hers.

This is yet another reason I say there needs to be a stronger sense of self and sense of those outside. Life is indeed a game of chess. Everyone plays, but not all win the game.

First Impressions

"It's going to take many wrinkles for people to see you on first glance. By the time that comes though, they'll think you simply shrank."

And I'll be considered one of those cute lil' old ladies who needs help with her groceries. But that day is not today and won't be for a while, so what do I do until then?! It's like the freedom to live the "in between life" is snatched from me; it's at the mercy of first glances/encounters. I need to find that place that tells the truth between thoughts of me as someone's daughter and visions of me in need of assistance as elderly. Even when some project vistas of this "in between life" vantage point, it almost always is in conjunction of another entity. I'm never able to stand by myself in these story lines. I'm someone's significant other (cute and cuddly), someone's mother (cute, but courageous) or someone's muse (cute and inspirational). I'm bothered by the business of me always needing to be accompanied in these alternate universes of existence instead of me mirrored as a seriously stable soloist. How am I not supposed to assume that my being is viewed as a handicap or awesome attribute, due to human inability to navigate normality... Yes, I consider myself as normal although my talents are far from that stand point. If my beacon is my body which no one can get past without resentment, how am I to truly want to share myself past the lines of my exterior?

Many say they thirst for truth, but from my perspective when it's staring them in the face a lie is the easier alternative to understand. All I want to do is live as honestly as I can.

We're all aliens in the end:
"Alien can blend right on in wit' yo' kin
look again 'cause I swear I spot one every now & then
It's happenin' again wish I could tell you when..." ~Outkast, Aquemini

I Can't Even Cry...

without being disturbed.

Sitting by the water in my old neighborhood, I focused on successfully seating myself in deep thought. You know those times when you know you need to cry for a cleansing? Well, I was at the brink of this last night. I just felt the urgency to emote via tears.

After being interrupted by these wonderful women and their chatter-filled children, all on wheels, I found some semblance of silence. I began to feel the crispness of the wind making goose pimples emerge like magic on my scalp, so I decided to put my hood on. This is where the event of this entry began, I guess.

I was settling into my mood of blue when these two dudes walked by. I barely noticed them. Maybe forty-five seconds elapsed when I could see some one's shadow on the concrete creeping into my periphery. I thought this person would walk past as did many people did during my tenure on the bench by the water. I became stunned slightly when the shadow's body said, "Hello." This of course caused me to turn in his direction... "And OH, he's brought a friend", I thought. He proceeded to remain the lead in his exploratory endeavor by asking me if I was okay. I nodded yes (I was on the verge of my needed cleanse cry), expecting him to turn away and continue his journey. He then stepped closer and proceeded to ask, "Is there someone coming to get you?" At this I chuckled and said, "I'm fine, thanks. I live right around here", pointing to the buildings behind me.
After hearing my response in my own pre-cry baritone, his face went back to an expression of assurance. The duo walked away and I wept and wept and wept and wept.
~~~~~~~
At first, I thought this encounter was initiated out of concern for me as a human being, but when I heard those words of wondering if I was to be met I knew it was because they had mistaken me for a child. They could barely see my face so it's not their fault. Who do I blame then when I'm sick of being a victim/survivor of my own shell of self?
Many try to help me, but that's not the assistance I seek.

Blessed are the meek.

ABC's

Today I was read to and coaxed into reading on accident.
I was at a volunteer event reading to after-schoolers when one of the other volunteers began reading to the table.
One of the children suggested that the table read a person at a time per page.
When it was my turn, I noted the woman's quizzical look in my direction. She was baffled by my precise diction, so I found out a few minutes later.
We both realized her mistake after I let her know I was a volunteer as well and not one of the after school kids. She said, "Oh, I do apologize. At first I thought that, but then you read and I figured you were 17 or something." I guess she thought I was someone's older sister.
Not 5 minutes after this, the leader of the event came over and thinking the other woman at our table of children was the sole volunteer suggested that another volunteer sit down and read to "us". She said this as she pointed to myself and the girl I was reading to. Happy with her new feeling of 'discovery' the other woman perked up and let the leader know the situation.

I get so tired of seeing people's embarrassment too... sigh.