First Impressions

"It's going to take many wrinkles for people to see you on first glance. By the time that comes though, they'll think you simply shrank."

And I'll be considered one of those cute lil' old ladies who needs help with her groceries. But that day is not today and won't be for a while, so what do I do until then?! It's like the freedom to live the "in between life" is snatched from me; it's at the mercy of first glances/encounters. I need to find that place that tells the truth between thoughts of me as someone's daughter and visions of me in need of assistance as elderly. Even when some project vistas of this "in between life" vantage point, it almost always is in conjunction of another entity. I'm never able to stand by myself in these story lines. I'm someone's significant other (cute and cuddly), someone's mother (cute, but courageous) or someone's muse (cute and inspirational). I'm bothered by the business of me always needing to be accompanied in these alternate universes of existence instead of me mirrored as a seriously stable soloist. How am I not supposed to assume that my being is viewed as a handicap or awesome attribute, due to human inability to navigate normality... Yes, I consider myself as normal although my talents are far from that stand point. If my beacon is my body which no one can get past without resentment, how am I to truly want to share myself past the lines of my exterior?

Many say they thirst for truth, but from my perspective when it's staring them in the face a lie is the easier alternative to understand. All I want to do is live as honestly as I can.

We're all aliens in the end:
"Alien can blend right on in wit' yo' kin
look again 'cause I swear I spot one every now & then
It's happenin' again wish I could tell you when..." ~Outkast, Aquemini

I Can't Even Cry...

without being disturbed.

Sitting by the water in my old neighborhood, I focused on successfully seating myself in deep thought. You know those times when you know you need to cry for a cleansing? Well, I was at the brink of this last night. I just felt the urgency to emote via tears.

After being interrupted by these wonderful women and their chatter-filled children, all on wheels, I found some semblance of silence. I began to feel the crispness of the wind making goose pimples emerge like magic on my scalp, so I decided to put my hood on. This is where the event of this entry began, I guess.

I was settling into my mood of blue when these two dudes walked by. I barely noticed them. Maybe forty-five seconds elapsed when I could see some one's shadow on the concrete creeping into my periphery. I thought this person would walk past as did many people did during my tenure on the bench by the water. I became stunned slightly when the shadow's body said, "Hello." This of course caused me to turn in his direction... "And OH, he's brought a friend", I thought. He proceeded to remain the lead in his exploratory endeavor by asking me if I was okay. I nodded yes (I was on the verge of my needed cleanse cry), expecting him to turn away and continue his journey. He then stepped closer and proceeded to ask, "Is there someone coming to get you?" At this I chuckled and said, "I'm fine, thanks. I live right around here", pointing to the buildings behind me.
After hearing my response in my own pre-cry baritone, his face went back to an expression of assurance. The duo walked away and I wept and wept and wept and wept.
~~~~~~~
At first, I thought this encounter was initiated out of concern for me as a human being, but when I heard those words of wondering if I was to be met I knew it was because they had mistaken me for a child. They could barely see my face so it's not their fault. Who do I blame then when I'm sick of being a victim/survivor of my own shell of self?
Many try to help me, but that's not the assistance I seek.

Blessed are the meek.

ABC's

Today I was read to and coaxed into reading on accident.
I was at a volunteer event reading to after-schoolers when one of the other volunteers began reading to the table.
One of the children suggested that the table read a person at a time per page.
When it was my turn, I noted the woman's quizzical look in my direction. She was baffled by my precise diction, so I found out a few minutes later.
We both realized her mistake after I let her know I was a volunteer as well and not one of the after school kids. She said, "Oh, I do apologize. At first I thought that, but then you read and I figured you were 17 or something." I guess she thought I was someone's older sister.
Not 5 minutes after this, the leader of the event came over and thinking the other woman at our table of children was the sole volunteer suggested that another volunteer sit down and read to "us". She said this as she pointed to myself and the girl I was reading to. Happy with her new feeling of 'discovery' the other woman perked up and let the leader know the situation.

I get so tired of seeing people's embarrassment too... sigh.

One of the Reasons...

why my old job is My Old Job!

"And is this your little helper?"
This type of innocent (ignorant) question I don't mind because once it's explained there is no more to say, therefore I am able to transcend invisibility. My actions are allowed to showcase my abilities as an employee (and adult).

"Oh my! That's a mighty large title for you..."
Is not what I wished to hear after it is explained that I was the holder of an established and esteemed title when it came to where I worked. This type of comment I found to be like an unrehearsed stroke of the bow onto string.

The hand (brain) can't seem to control the fingers (lips) to hold tight enough so instead of a melody, I get to hear the screeching of this instrument. My imaginary reaction would be to get into rock star mode and shatter said wood sound-box against the stage wall and floor. Instead most times I simply choose to leave the concert early with my sense of self intact. At least I know how to pluck my own strings properly. And yes, I'm a guitar -- more times than not, I am pissed [off] while standing!

Note: If you ever encounter me in a work setting, it doesn't matter if it's one of white-collar or blue... SHUT THE F^CK UP!!! Stare if you must, but DO NOT say anything. Looks can be let go, but language always always builds even in demolition mode.

♥ ur children... because i won't

Since I seemed their age, they pulled on my braids...

On the bus headed way uptown during a gusty, but clear day-off I find myself transported way back to the times of elementary academic age. The actions of two little girls are my ticket to this type of travel that unraveled itself into the front of my memory bank. These thoughts skipped the line to cash themselves before all others on this afternoon. Those timid, but tactical tugs of my tendrils became a vacuumed vortex. I'd felt like I was in 5th grade again getting teased for being tiny. Teasing became torture once I opened my mouth in protest to the tormentors. Wicked words went from said to dirty deeds displayed. This was what they could afford before adolescence... attacking what they did not understand.

It became the same scene for these two terrors of today's time. I opened my mouth to open their eyes; I wanted them to realize that they could not feel free to invade anyone's personal space. Even if some wayward hair had been hanging over the partition which marked the border into their realm.
I said sternly, "Don't do that. You don't know me. Don't touch people like that."
So shaken my matter-of-fact reaction to their wrongdoings, their eyes widened with surprise. However, because they figured I at most only added up to an adolescent they took comfort in contemplating a repeat of raping my weave by whispering to one another.
"Go ahead, pull it again. It's right there."
"No, you do it. I dare you."
"Okay..." [giggles]
I turn toward these tots, letting them know I've heard their verbal blueprint.
"No! You won't. Don't even!"
At this, they both become quiet and focus themselves onto something else. Until the end of their ride. As they go to exit (behind their mothers) at their stop, I am given rolled whites, raspberries and haughty "ha ha ha's".

And I think then about absence of friends during elementary days. I am so glad to be an adult now, but question the value of the post-adolescence of others. Like mothers who talk amongst themselves in coded language, ignoring their children whom are in desperate need of discipline. The strain of my early days is still being cultivated within the blood of socialization. This makes me so sad sometimes I wish to be a shut-in.

November is Near...

and I am hoping the practices at the polls aren't repeated as in the scenario below!

Scene:
I get in line between my mother and father. As we go further in our steps towards the sign-in section, my mother asks if I'd like to go ahead of her. On first thought I want to say no, knowing that there may be a slight chance of me being mistaken for a child. At the same time, I also know my mother's capacity of correcting crude views of people who don't pay attention. She gets her protection prance on and can dig her heels deeply into the gut of the ignorance encountered. I say to myself, "Self, just let her go vote first. This way if anything goes awry in this guy's eye I'll be the corrective lens instead of ma winding her way into a tirade due to temperament." I stay in front my father while waiting.
And of course, the poll attendance taker smiles at me politely and promptly asks for my father's id so he can put him as present on the roll. My father, playing it cool doesn't even inch his fingernails into his pocket as I tap on the table with a 'Hey-I'm-Right-Here' rhythm. This attendance taker looks confused, but is quickly put to ease and pleased in the protruding of his pearly whites as he lingeringly looks at my Non-Driver's id card. I smile back and sign the book.

freedumb of speech

people say the most perplexing, idiotic and sickening things to me whether my stature be a direct topic or not.

when i'm not being verbally assaulted directly it comes to me indirectly anyway. like when the guy in the coffee shop asks to use my table's charger for his laptop while he is squatting in front of where i'm seated. i'm not a child, i'm on your level without you kneeling to mine. matter of fact, if i see adults to this do children older than 2, i cringe. the same goes to those people that talk to kids in unnecessary high pitched voices; much like when the lady in the mall gives me the bag to store my items while schreeching, "here you go sweety." i respond with a low toned almost grunted "thanks".

when i am the direct matter of conversation most times a bulk of the talk winds up being one-sided. for instance, i am on my way to a late night shindig in the city on the train and this guy approaches me. i think to myself, "uh oh pedophile alert"(i could feel him looking at me funny for a while). he gets closer to me and utters a question of my age. i look at him like he is stupid (don't believe that adage that there's no such thing as a stupid question). he immediately back tracks from his question and apologizes to me profusely while letting me know his original question would've been worse because he was gonna ask where my mother was. REALLY?! it's so sad that this dude was really serious with his stance.

a little after this on my way to another train i get yet another strange encounter with a guy. he gives my his number on a piece of brown paper bag and exclaims that he couldn't resist because i was too adorable. i'm not into meeting new people like that. as if that would be the best compliment i've received in a while and i would be so grateful i'd call him. or i just seem approachable because i wouldn't immediately be classified as a physical threat. i don't appreciate adorable -- ever. i wish not to be worshipped.

speaking of worship... i also am not enthusiastic about using my body to puff up someone else's reputation either. i meet a fellow performing artist who says i should be his Hype Chick (he had liked the way i got really into MJB the dj spun after the show). yea, this did come from an angle of being funny, but dude was supposed to be a rapper not a comedian the last time i heard him spit from a mic. the audacity was apparent as this was the first time i even met him at all. although i'm sure he didn't even intend on audaciousness; he just figured he could get away with saying whatever. and he wondered why later on i refused to freestyle at the table. my inaction spoke a strict, "f u, pay me." we both wound up saying nothing of true substance to one another at that meeting.

Moral: watch what you say, instead of me.

Slick Lips, Greasy Popcorn

After viewing a pg13-rated movie last night, leaving the theatre along with the exiting throng of fellow movie goers, not eight seconds before I reach the door which is down at the end of the sloping aisle do I hear, "How'd they let a little girl in here? This movie wasn't rated pg." I'm not in the mood to let this go (it's been one of those weeks) so I turn sharply towards the man who is rhetorically inquiring about me to his date. He realizes I've heard him (duh) and makes a swooping motion with his arm over his companion's head. In order to both lose my gaze and prove his next false point, his head turns in the direction his hand is now pointing while he says, "Yea, she was sitting back there...she looked like she was twelve." I'm surprised, with all his grand gesturing he didn't topple down the carpeted ramp and cause his date to careen into the door. I turn my head so I don't trip myself and shake my head and sigh as I make my way to the escalator.

Ultimately I was used for brief entertainment purposes which was originally intended to be a genuine inquiry. He'd rather have made a light jokey observation then have a heavy confrontation once our gazes connected. I'm sure he felt ashamed, but wasn't going to apologize for reasons of this being a brief encounter most likely never to occur again and/or of his ego not letting him come down from his high horse in assuming either way he was older than me. I can't care for the peers of my peers! I'm sure he was no more than 3 years older or younger than me. Instances such as this one makes me dislike that saying about respect for elders since so many idiots think themselves to be in this classification, when compared to me, based on glanced assumption.

Lost in the Crowd... Not Really!

"It's always on 34th street!", I exclaimed after a rather rude encounter in front of a dressing room. "Let's leave before I get knocked in the head again", I reiterated to my bud referring to an earlier altercation that had happened 7 years prior (more on this later). I was run over by rudeness coming from a young woman that may have been my age or so. Basically, I was bumped not once but twice by the momentum of her bulging purse. As she passed me without a word, I said to her back as she approached her curtained partition, "You could say excuse me please." She turned with a grimace and attitude in tone asking, "Excuse me?!" At this I repeated myself.
This young woman went on to claim that she was about to say sorry, but due to the fact that I approached her with rudeness I wouldn't be getting any apology from her at all. I just chuckled as she sauntered behind the curtain. When she was saying all this to me (with a look of awe and disdain in her face) her friend made it her business to poke her head out of her dressing cubicle to gawk at me. My friend who I was awaiting, clothed and came out she confirmed with me that I definitely was not going to get any type of salutation whatsoever from the woman as she made it her duty to dismiss me after bumping me in the first place. Of course, when I responded to the unnecessary contact (I knew she felt her bag bump against me) she was shocked and had to have a snappy come-back. I just shake my head at situations as these. Glad this one didn't escalate to the elevation of the incident-turned-altercation of 7 years prior, which is why I was so reluctant to stay in the store for long.

Where I was yesterday was the exact proximity of the events I'll explain now...
To put it in basics, the altercation ended with me getting punched in the back of my skull. I was accosted then attacked by four youngster chicks (waaaay younger than me) old enough to know that physical violence is a last resort option. However, to them I suppose I left them so astounded that their first resort was to react in this manner. Not having the prowess to get me to shut up (I do have a slick lip when provoked), I was pushed, punched and pick-pocketed all in an instance of 10 minutes. All this began when one of the four YC's bumped me as I was entering a store. Of course, I let her know that she was to say excuse me when doing this. She snickered and sauntered over to her crew. I knew they were talking about my directive as they kept looking at me through the window of the store I was inside. Thirty seconds elapse and I am confronted by a ill-tempered teen that demands to know, "How old are you?!" I ask her why she's chosen to ask me this. Her response is a matter-of-fact, "I wanna know so I can tell if I can kick your ass or not." And with those magical words I flip into verbal assault mode. This resulted in having to wait for my dad to pick me up from a precinct after making my report to the police. Three of the YC's were written up and arrested and one was sent home with a warning (her mom let me know by scowling and eye-rolling that she didn't appreciate having to come gather her unruly little girl from a police station). That's how the story goes. I'll stay shaking my head until some people get some sense of sense.

Girth Hurts

"Have you encountered any ignorant people today?", my sister asks me over the phone. I say with a chuckle, "No, not yet." She was referring a conversation we had earlier in the morning. I was telling her of yet another MBTD who had an issue with how I looked. This time it was from behind, at least that's what he said, between listening to me letting him know I'm old enough and him asking for my ID just to make sure. His eyes just couldn't adjust to the age that he knew in his mind made sense, based on my response to...
MBTD2: "Excuse me miss (talking to my friend), but you can not take her up there."
My Friend: "Oh?", as she turns around confused.
Me: (Interjecting for alleviation's sake) "It's ok, I can... I'm old enough", as i reach for my purse.
MBTD2: "Well, I need to see ID to be sure.

Of course, I show it and am able to keep going towards the elevator to the rooftop bar/lounge. With my friend in tow I assure her that it's okay and I'm used to it. She couldn't get her head around the fact that I was approached (she was actually on initial encounter!) in that way. I just shrugged it off... until this morning.
My sister's perspective was that most likely it had to do with the fact that I do not possess a large or even medium amount of body fat or 'diameter'. Since my friend is about 2-3 inches taller than me, this was the only reasonable explanation my sis could give regarding the conclusion of my age by reading me from behind, as the MBTD2 had. I'm always getting mistaken for someone's little sister/cousin/daughter when walking beside someone almost equivalent to me in verticalness. I told my sis that I refuse to make myself out of shape or even frumpy just so I'm not accosted due to my aesthetics. She's told me on more than one occasion that, "A little make up wouldn't hurt." I say to her that it doesn't seem to help much either since with make up on, I'm looked upon as a teenager who is trying too hard to seem "grown". It helps a little, but not in the way that I want it to. Some would say, "It's better than being mistaken for a 7-9 year old." Yes, but either way I have to explain myself. At least with seeming younger than a teen, the startling factor is much more and thus attention paid. if I wore the guise of a teen, I'd be looked as a juvenile with an attitude problem. We all can recall instances of 'being put back in our place' after 'coming out of our faces' as adolescents. Who would want that all over again!? Surely not me.

Train of Thought[z]

For some reason today the memory of the man behind the desk for visitors at a hospital in Brooklyn keeps popping in my head.
I had been on my way upstairs with my dad to see my uncle in the intensive care unit when all of a sudden I found my dad having to defend his decision to "let me upstairs with him" to visit. I immediately interjected with, "I'm old enough so let's leave it at that." The MBTD then decided to ask, "Well, how old are you anyway?" I replied, "Old enough to have attended and graduated college..." (I interject here to say, I don't understand why people are always trying to play me for stupid just because of my stature!) So, this MBTD then exclaims with amazement and annoyed admiration, "You should be a part of my study! I'm studying the effects of aging on different ethnic groups..." He went on into some more lack-luster specifics about this, but at this point it was too late for him to beg for mercy due to his mistake in pre-judgement. I guess I responded in the way I did, which probably wasn't too polite because I'm so sick of others attempting to speak for me out of awkwardness due to an unnecessary inquisition, especially when it comes to either one of my parents.

This goes for my friends as well... I know they feel the burn of boring eyes in their backs or fronts when we're on the train together and I'm either joking or giving advice. The "audience" is so awestruck that my friends are being so attentive that they stare and stare and stare and all the while I find myself having to keep extra cool as to not lose composure. It's usually my friends that flip the script on these frenzied fellow fare-riders. One of my besties, who still attends college, shut this 20-something-year-old woman (ALWAYS!) down after she made a comment to my bestie about the conversation she was obviously eavesdropping on while riding the 6. This chick thought I was still in HS probably and projected her thesis after inquiring to them about my age after I already got off at my stop. My bestie let her know that in fact I was not of HS age and had just graduated college. To this response, Ms. 20-something said, "Oh my! I'm sure you admire her. She carries herself so well." My bestie just looked at her like she was nuts and said, "She's my good friend. I don't look at her in any particular way because she's small. I'm used to it." And that was the end of the discourse between them. It was my bestie's stop anyway. Of course, I had a chuckle when this encounter was relayed to me over the phone.

So, as you see most days for me are either one of two extremes and never in between...

Mephitic Manners

"The sun must shine out my ass or something..."

Why is it that the women are always the ones to look at me weirdly?

Yes, it's going to be another knock-down, drag 'em out SCENE:
I wait in line after ordering my breakfast bagel at the cafe I frequent.
A woman waits behind me for what she guesses is a while and becomes annoyed as to why her oder hasn't been taken. She inquires about the status of my order, not to me politely. No, instead her decision is to accost the cashier clerk with attitude about this.
At the exact moment that the answer is uttered to her she hears an echo from chest level.
I turn around and she looks down at me in shock, as if I wasn't supposed to answer... Now, I could assume that she thought I was someone's child and wanted to be a 'big girl' and order for myself, thus dismissing my ability to answer the question or I could decline all that and say she was just being ignorant in general. Either way, her reaction was hilarious. She became flabbergasted at my oral aim*; her eyes were wide with wonder and shame. To give her space (and alleviate further confusion for other customers) I moved to the opposite side of the store after this encounter. On my exit the expression on her face was, "What'd you do that for?"

*Now keep in mind folks, it's way easier for my vocals to carry in the morning minutes because I rarely speak to anyone on the way to work so the frog is still on the verge of jumping. My voice must have throttled this woman into a frenzy mentally.